Pita Brunch, Satura Lanx

Strength and Weakness

2003-09-30T14:22:00.000+03:00

I would like to share some thoughts about an interesting matter.
Some Israeli Army Pilots decided to write a letter against bombings over terrorists in Gaza, Judea and Samaria because of the innocent casualties these bombings cause.
Right after this letter the whole Israeli society expressed its indignation against these traitors that, as they said,serve the cause of our enemies and weaken us.
Many solutions were proposed to deal with the phenomenon, from specific measures against these pilots to wide range measures against any free divergent thinking in the Israeli society. The assistant to the Education minister proposed to eliminate from school materials those books that were written by Israeli writers and intellectuals that expressed themselves against the Army and the present Government.
I think that a red line is being crossed here.
This is the very difference between democracy and totalitarianism. Freedom of intellect.
I think that these pilots, the very ones who must bear the responsibility of their actions (as right as they may be), are actually saving us.
I think they are bringing some fresh air to the dirty oxygen we have been breathing lately.
They strengthen us, reminding us of the need for free thinking and not just obeying to nonsense orders and believing to whatever the establishment wants us to.
I thank them for paying personally for their actions, I thank them for defending me against my enemies over the borders which I hope they'll keep on doing and my enemies inside me.
They are the very best this country can offer and I hope that the seeds of freedom they are implanting in our society will in the end prevail, no matter how many books will be burnt, no matter how many criminals will make it to the government.

Thanks

2003-09-10T11:05:00.000+03:00

Thanks People of Israel for your strenght.
Thanks for not giving up, never!
Thanks for keeping on going.
Thanks for your patience
Thanks for your humanity
It is time for change.
It is time for rethinking from scratch our strategy
It is time for a disruptive solution.
A simple citizen...

Maginot

2003-08-31T13:11:00.000+03:00

The most effective solution

In the end a definitive solution for Palestinian terrorism inside Israel: Defence Fence.
What I do like most is the rhyme: Defence Fence, Fence Fence.
This is going to be the end of our troubles. No more suicidal terrorist attacks, no more deaths of innocent Israeli people.
Only, as for the Maginot Line, eventually static defence systems get bypassed.
Palestinian Kassam rockets will evolve into Kassam missiles and when Tel Aviv will be the primary target, all of sudden we'll see all the great generals accuse one another and try to avoid the blame.
I say it is time to stop thinking as if no history and no experience exists outside of Israel.
If we can avoid mistakes, why not to?
Real defences are dynamic, evolutionary.
There have been wars, long wars, elsewhere too. Some of these ended up into peace, some others into non-belligerance and then peace.
Common interests, power equilibrium and supporting economic infratsructures have been the only real engines for peace and wellbeing.
Some fear helps too, but not of the enemy, fear of what you have to loose.
Terrorism on the other hand, so much rooted into the Palestinians' way of life today, must be eradicated. Most of Europe of course, supporting terrorist actions, is a disturbing element to the peace process, but is not an absolute obstacle.
We must understand that the only way against terrorism is to terrorize the terrorists.
At the same time it is pretty straightforward that terrorization cannot be achieved through pinpointed "preventive actions".
Real terrorization of the terrorist is achievable only actibng at the very root of their power, within the people they recruit, kids, the non-belligerant population. They must be helped not to fall into terrorists nets. Anti-terrorist propaganda and positive action must be undertaken by the Palestinian Authority against terrorist groups. No negotiation with terrorists can be tollerated as no negotiations were tollerated with Israel's first days free military groups.
Palestinian Authority must stop playing this double role, faking imprisonments and negotiating with terrorist groups for the achievement of a cease fire.
As simple as it sounds, no negotiation with terrorists can be accepted.
Either PA decides to leave the terrorist way, in which case it must fight against terrorism with no compromise (and of course no negotiations), or otherwise PA demonstartes it is a terrorist supporting regime and as such must be extirpated.
On the other hand Israel has to establish once and for all the territories she considers inside national boarders and draw an immaginary line above which no civilian settlement will be accepted, only military patrols and operations.
Then the only obstacle to peace will be the endless cultural distance between Arab culture and Western culture...

New Zionists

2003-08-18T12:56:00.000+03:00

A new species has been developing in Israel

The first time I saw them I was almost as excited as when I had my first solo drive a century ago.
I felt pretty much like Darwin.
Israel of course is not the Galapagos, nonetheless, I was definetly watching a new evolving species. I called it: The New Zionist.
Typical Charachteristics:
1) Came to Israel in their mid 40s, or left Israel and lives somwhere nice, calm and wealthy
2) Made a lot of money outside the country, before immigrating
3) Lives in the Herzlyiah Pituach, Kfar Shmaryahu, Rananna, Ramat Aviv area
4) Owns at least a penthouse, or rents it
5) Avoids carefully paying taxes exploiting double nationality issues
6) Feels compelled to send his children to serve the IDF
7) Feels compelled to preach to everybody about how great is Israel and how important is to live in the country
8) travels abroad not less than 12 times a year, for not less than 1 Week
9) Feels compelled to preach everybody about their duties towards the country, about paying taxes, eating local foods, buying local production
10) Carefully buys only import products, or imports himself great quantities of expensive high quality foreign specialties when travelling abroad.
11) Feels compelled to preach and do whatever possible (even though pretty immoral) to get young people stuck in the country preventing them from building their future
12) Struggles as strong and as dirty as he can to maintain the social status quo
13) Feels compelled to send friends and family over the front while self intrenching in great villas.
Welcome to the world new species, the future is yours!

No More Family Breaking!

2003-08-13T13:51:00.000+03:00

Final Solution For Foreign Workers' Children

The law was finally approved by the Government.
We won't have to assist to these horrible scenes any more. From now on, no more children torn apart from their parents by the Immigration Authority.
Eventually a solution was found to this horrible problem.
Children will now be imprisoned and thrown out of Israel together with their parents.
What a relief!
Think about it, what sense does it make to expell only parents, leaving here their children?
We then have to feed them, help them, grow them and they eventually pollute our society and steal resources from citizens!
Now this terrible thing is stopped for good.

Israeli MOB 2003

2003-08-03T11:03:00.000+03:00

New Israeli Invention: From Farmers To Mobsters

It is unbelievable, but nonethless true.
In a further effort to enhance social mobility in Israel, a new career path has been open for farmers.
You have to be bad enough, conscienceless, cruel and -of course- pave your way through the army service, but in the end you'll make it.
The fundamental milestons for this new -blue and white- career path are as follows:
1) Written proof of your stupidity
2) Army service up to at least general
3) Start a useless, dirty, war possibly lying on its causes, scope and puposes
4) Cause -through the above war- the death of at least 1000 of your young soldiers (better if under 19)
5) Have some sons
6) Disguise your criminal actions through the above sons
7) Become Prime Minister
8) Start a reign of dumb terror abolishing silently and informally all democratic basic freedoms
9) Written proof of minimal 120 Kg weight
10) Find yourself a stupid enough country and stupid enough people to let you do all of that
Nothing more to it.
As you can see, there are no tough requirements and the road is open to enterpreneurs.
One success story we already have.
Remember, once you make it to the top, you'll be ablo to steal, rob, manage organized crime, violate people and property at your wish.
It's worth it.
It's Israel 2003.

New Idea by: Israeli Glorious Police

2003-07-27T21:56:00.000+03:00

Final solution for Israeli Police's budget problems

Today we were walking around in Ramat Aviv.
It was a typical Israeli end of July sunny, sticky hot day.
Walking was hardly possible because of the heath. We were headed to the Ramat Aviv mall and the only thing we could think about were the mall's nice and fresh air conditioned shops.
Eventually we got at the crossing lights in front of the mall. We started crossing without noticing the lights were yellow.
Nothing happened untill we completely crossed the street.
Then, all of a sudden, a policewoman jumped of her hiding spot and stopped us.

You crossed the street while the crossing lights were red.
Did you notice? she told us in the typical violent and unpolite Israeli Police's tone.

We answered that we were sorry, we didn't notice.

You will have to pay a fine. It's a 100 Nis Told us Off. Buzagla (we had to read her name from the tag, she didn't even bother to present herself or show any ID. By the way her whole appearance was pretty disgusting, her trousers were spotted and dirty and so was her shirt).

We asked her whether she could save us the fine for this time since we really didn't notice.

No way! Why should I care you didn't notice. In fact I truly hope you won't notice next time as well. There is absolutely no educational purpose in this new police operation.
Buzaglo Buzagli, Israel's Police Minister conceived this new great Made in Israel operation with only two goals in mind: 1) increase Israeli Police's budget with the minimum possible effort and 2) do this without decreasing at all the overall car accidents rate which is such a wellcome phenomenon in light of our new population reduction plan.
You see, all Israel's Police officers are now hiding in the proximity of crosslights. We wait for people to cross with the red lights. We spot the before they actually cross, as I did with you, but we pay attention not to do anything and wait.
We wait for the best, a deadly car accident involving the pedestrian and a car. If it doesn't happen, then we make money stopping them and fining them.
This way, with minimum effort we manage to keep absolute entropy -we don't move a finger while the accident is still possible- while making money out of it, fining pedestrians. No more driving downtown and on the highways trying to stop mad drivers, no more walking and fining parked cars in no parking spots endangering the streets with the terrible risk of actually doing something usefull and avoiding accidents.
That's the best idea ever! A 100% Made in Israel (= Blue and White) idea. Only the Israeli genius could conceive and implement it. Explained us Buzagla in her classic violent and nervous Israeli police tone.

Astonished we walked away.
It is true indeed, these great ideas cannot but shed light over the other people of the world. We are the best country in the world in the end!

Israel 2003 Women and Slavery

2003-07-20T13:12:00.000+03:00

New anti prostitution countermeasures

Israeli Police was put under a lot of pressure lately because of the latest reports on the growing prostitution market in Israel.
This phenomenon has reached huge proportions and actual slavery was found in the country.
Hundreds of poor East European women are kidnapped from their countries, brought to Israel and actually traded as slaves and sex slaves in the country.
Israeli Police decided to start with a new action plan to destroy this phenomenon.
"You see, we cannot arrest the perpetrators of these traffics since very often they are family to us. As far as concerns customers, we cannot arrest them as well. That's becasue frequently they are our very bosses if not ourselves and our partners..." Tells us Police Chief Mizi Criminalovich.
"But we found an outstanding solution" adds Buzaglo Buzagli, Police's Chief Assistant.
"We started arresting the prostitutes themselves. In the end you have to agree that these dirty kidnapped and enslaved women are the primary cause of this horrible traffic.
It's pretty straightforward: they are the very engine of this terrible plague that is corrupting our pure society and we decided to hit the problem at its roots!
We arrest them, possibly make them suffer, scare them and make them understand once and for all that next time it is in their best interests not to let themsleves be kidnapped!
We peform lots of arrests every day. We manage to be as violent as possible with these women in order to get the message through."
We asked the Minister of Internal Affairs whether it occured to him that this might not be the best solution and that it should be unacceptable that Israeli slave traders be not punished while the slaves themsleves are punished for their drivers.
What, are you out of your mind?!
These whores, they are the very root of the problem, they are corrupting our wonderful society and we are going to get them!
You don't want me to arrest myself, do you?

3 Years, We Mean It!

2003-07-14T15:40:00.000+03:00

An interview with IDF's Chief of Staff Bugimmandov

Reporter - Chief of Staff Bugimmandov, don't you think that three years is a pretty much long period to steal from a fresh ex teenager?

Bugimmandov - What do you mean?

Reporter - Well, a military service that is three years long seems a very hard burdain for young eighteen year old boys.
They actually loose three years of their lives at the very beginning. Three of the most precious years...

Bugimmandov - I don't understand you...

Reporter - What I am saying is: couldn't you reduce the army service lenght?
Wouldn't it be more right to cut this long period and reduce it?
Wouldn't the Israeli society be more right and healthy if this long period of military service was much shorter?

Bugimmandov - Look, I am having a hard time understanding your question. What are you asking me? I don't understand...

Reporter - See, it is well known that IDF suffers from internal unemployment.
You have too many non fighting soldiers. At the same time, it is known that the fighting units lack soldiers and volunteers. On the one hand you have too much soldiers, on the other you lack soldiers in certain units. This situation is very expensive for the country that has to finance unemployment while lacking effective returns on those units which need soldiers. Don't you think the army should find a better solution?
Don't you think it's a waste of time, life and money stealing three long years from young people's lives and throwing them away for nothing?
Shouldn't you reduce the service's length and place part of the unneeded soldiers in civil service jobs?

Bugimmandov - Mr. do we speak the same language? I really don't understand what you're talking about. What is your question? What is it that you want to know?

Reporter - Ok, I'll make it simple for you.
My question is: Don't you think that stealing -most of the time for nothing- three years plus all the reserve duty from each young Israeli is a wrong thing to do?
Don't you think that IDF should become more efficient and reduce the amount of time people are called to serve the army?

Bugimmandov - I am sorry, but I have things to do. I am very busy.
I really tried, but I cannot understand your question.
I am sorry I have got to go.
HR is waiting for me to sign a lot of paperwork they're doing.

Reporter - Ok, thanks anyway. We'll try and ask someone else...

My Email To Google's Ads

2003-07-09T19:47:00.000+03:00

Date: Wed, 9 Jul 2003 07:04:02 -0700 (PDT)
From: "jacob israeli"
Subject: Ads Mismatch
To: adsbygoogle@google.com

Dear Google Ads Staff,

Surfing on my webpage http://pitabrunch.blogspot.com I was watching the ads you are showing on the upper banner.
What I saw today looks to me like a mismatch.
My site is a satiric Blog about Israeli Society and Society in general.
The adds you're showing on my site right now are about helping rebuliding demolished palestinians' houses.
Now, these houses are usually demolished because they belong to terrorists that blew [NDR] themselves [NDR]up inside Israel (Busses Hotels and so on) killing innocent children, toddlers, women and citizens. The demolition though is not an act of punishment but rather an attempt to discourage young Palestinian teenagers to throw their lives away and kill innocent Israeli civilians again and again.
I do not want to get into the political discussion, nor I am saying anything about the conflict, but I believe that financing the reconstruction of these houses is much like financing terrorism itself.
This I cannot stand, especially I cannot stand it on my site.
Pretty sharp things are sometimes said in my site about Israel, but the very basic idea is to create a more right society in the country and a greater harmony with its neighbours, including the Palestinian authority.
Never, but never ever, was I thinking that harming innocent people through terrorist acts like the ones the Plaestinian Authority and the various Plaestinian terroristic movements perpetrate [NDR] is acceptable or shouldn't be punished.
On the very contrary, I truly believe that these acts and their perpetrators should be annihilated through international help so that a real peace can raise between Palestinians and Israelis with real wealth for both the people.
Thus I would like to kindly ask you if it would be possible to change the ads on my site matching them better with its contents and potential surfers.
Thanks a lot in advance for your help,

Jacob Israeli
Pitabrunch

Made in Israel Robin Hood - Superciuk and Max Bunker

2003-07-09T16:29:00.000+03:00

National Instute for Insurance's new solution for sorrow maximization

We've been asking around about Robin Hood's tale here in Tel Aviv.
It appears that the version of this tale we were told here in Israel is a bit different.
The hero here is not a man - Robin Hood - but an institution: The National Institute for Insurance.
The idea in the original tale was pretty different as well.
Here, The National Institute for Insurance (NIFI) is the star -Robin Hood- this stands.
Only the way he acts is a bit different.
Its main goal is to maximize sorrow and despair among poor families belonging to the lowest layers of our society.
Its last idea was really outstanding in its efficacy.
The Israeli government, in line with its society-destruction policy, passed not long ago a new law: all family aids (food, health, schooling) to the starved must be cut by at least 99.9% (the .1% is an insurance fee for the next political campaign).
NIFI, which is responsible for the distribution of these aids was instructed to stop them.
Here came the new idea.
Since the law was passed some months ago, NIFI's top management came out with a new astounding idea that would hopefully create maximum pain and sorrow to the targeted layers of society.
Let the cutbacks be retroactive!
"Let's ask for our money back from these people".
This way, at the end of the previous month, thousands of the poorest families in Israel found in their mailboxes a letter asking them for returning such huge sums they hardly could figure mentally.
The goal was achieved.
Maximum despair among the poor.
Now, what does Robin Hood have to do with this you might be asking.
You see, the original tale develops around the concept of moving wealth from the rich to the poor.
NIFI does actually move wealth, only not from the rich to the poor, but the opposite way, from the poor to the rich.
Reverse Osmosis, this is their second name.
NIFI takes from the poor to give to the rich.
Millions of millions of Sheqels are taken every day through extorsion from the poorest people, while tons of billions are due from the rich and never paid.
The latest rumour we heard is about our Prime Cinister.
It appears he sued NIFI for a cash return they owed him.
NIFI applied here the retroactive rule and returned him the monthly "debt" starting from 50 years ago 'till now adapting it to inflation.
They almost got banckrupt, but they did it.
Now they're thinking about further cutbacks from the starving layers of our society in order to perform other wealth relocations like this one.
Here you go: ROBIN HOOD Made in Israel

Success: Basic Freedoms Finally Banned in Israel

2003-07-03T22:39:00.000+03:00

Another great success on the way to totalitarism

The Ministry of Defense Ret. Chief of Staff Arnold Mofazovoff - We finally did it.
It was not easy and I admit we gathered some help from Palestinian terrorists, but in the end it was worth it.

Reporter - What are you exactely talking about....

Mofazovoff - I suggest you stand still and salute when you talk to me, Arf, Arf.
Ehm, excuse me, Arf, Arf, Bark, Bark, GRRRRRRRR.
What I was trying to explain you is that we finally managed to go one step further towards the militarized totalitarian society we're trying to build here.
We are working on that so hard.
Our next target after freedom of speech was the right to privacy and property.
We had to get people used to their property violated.
It was very hard, but in the end we came up with this great idea.
I admit -as I said- Bark, grrrr arf, bark ehm sorry,......
I admit we had to ask for some help from Palestinian terrorists.
We wanted to start with people getting used to loose privacy through violation of their most personal accessories: their bags, purses, suitcases ecc.
In order to do that we started putting security guards in each mall and big public building's entrance.
The reason: anti-terrorism countermeasures.
In fact, these guards started checking everyones' bags, looking inside, touching with their hands.
We obtained the greatest results with this technique.
People just got used to obey and show each and every uniform wearing authoritarian figure what they were asked to.
At this point we wanted to get one step further into totalitarianism and militarization of our society.
As you know, every Israeli citizen is assigned a sticky undeletable ID number at his birth (we thought about tatooing it on every baby's arm, but we are waiting with that for the right moment to come...)
This ID number is printed on an ID card.
You know a regular one, with a picture and details of its owner.
Now, theoretically, you shouldn't be forced to show your ID card to almost anyone but cops and legal authorities.
It's a basic democratic right, the right to privacy and property over your personal data.
As such we decided to hit and abolish it next.
We did that, exploiting the long lines that formed at the checkpoints inside Malls, Universities and public buildings' entrances.
In order to get the population used to loose this right, we had some guards start asking people that wanted to enter the Mall or building they're "protecting" to show them their ID.
Guess what, it's working!
People do that without complaints.
They're getting used to obey each uniform wearing poz.
It's wonderful....

Reporter - But this is outrageous, you're undermining democracy like this, you....

Mofazoff - Guards, arrest him!
I am afraid he's a traitor, or a Palestinian, or a foreign worker!

Reporter - I am journalist, I have rights!

Mofazoff - Bark, Bark, GRRRR, no rights, you have no more rights. We're at war, emergency procedures empowered me, the highest military authority, to withdraw any of your rights.
HaHaHa

Good Investments!

2003-06-29T20:50:00.000+03:00

Few enlightening words from the new consulting firm Warco.

New conjoint Israelo-Palestinian consulting firm to investors from both countries: We found the formula!
The idea is pretty simple.
Mr. Stuh Pid, Warco.'s C.E.O. explained it to us:
You see, both societies are undergoing a terrible crisis.
Poverty is hitting both the populations. Hunger and despair reign through the streets.
Recession, lack of faith and trust mix up to poor natural resources and global recession to give the grace blow to the people of both countries. (I beg your pardon, of one country and the other country to be...).
Now, billions of billions of foreign and local investments' dollars could of course flow in infrastructures and proactive aids, probably solving 2/3 of both countries' problems. This kind of investements would contribute to the creation of jobs and start a positive growth engine that will in the end allow the two countries to live in prosperity and harmony.
This of course is exactely what we all do not want.
The question we posed ourselves was thus, how can we avoid this natural, logical, most probable scenario.
After months of deep immersion into tactical research we came out with a brilliant solution.
In order to obtain maximum caos, destruction and despair, all these billions of billions of investement dollars must flow into the Army in one country and into terroristic organizations in the other.
These huge investements into the war infrastructure will start a chain reaction.
Violence will call other violence. New investments in the infrastructure of violence will be made, feeding the violence food chain over and over again.
With all the money invested into Army and Terror, poverty will grow and hatred will follow feeding the violence cycle.
More and more money will then be invested in the violence infrastructure, attracting more and more violence, causing more and more poverty, sadness, hatred, despair.
Isn't it brilliant?
Think about what an enormous revolution this very strategy is.
The natural flow of reality would lead us to investment into the infrastructure of wealth and harmony, avoiding completely the death-violence cycle.
We managed to start it and bring a sufficient critical mass of investments that triggered an almost irreversible chain reaction of death, violence, poverty, famine, blood, hatred...
Brilliant, isn't it!

Achtung! MedinaPo

2003-06-24T15:54:00.000+03:00

Final solution found for illegal foreigners, an interview with the Minister of Interior and the Police Chief

Reporter - What is this new advertisement, a foreign worker doesn't work?

Minister of Interior - That's the new advertisement for the outstanding operation we started these days.
See, the country is going through a terrible crysis. The economy is collapsing, poverty is striking the population and as usual we have no solution.
Normally we would blame the religiuos parties, the orthodox community and the Palestinians, but this time we found ourselves helpless. I mean, we are the religious parties! and blaming the Palestinians went out of fashion.
We were desperate, our very incomes were about to be jeopardized. After cutting back public health, school funding, children's aids and whatever else was possible, we were eventually next.
Then I came with this original solution (N.D.R. the minister and the government are totally unaware of European history we must excuse them) why not blame foreign workers for every calamity?
Why not put the blame for the economic breakdown, for poverty, for hunger, for unemployment on these parassites?
In the end they come here and steal our work, our land, our wealth!
I felt such a great relief when I spotted this wonderful solution that I immediately went to tell my fellow ministers.
They almost started crying. Their joy was so great they couldn't control themselves.
Our position was safe again, despite the crysis.
We were safe and once again our pioneering spirit helped us out.
In a second I called Goebbelzaglo, our Chief Advertiser, and asked him to plan a new campaign whose goal would be to scare people and focus their attention against these foreign strangers and cause their employers to deliver them to the Police.
We knew that their employers would give up and of course that the lack of manpower would eventually cause them to go bankrupt, but this in the end would play in our favor.
I'll explain, the economic crysis would become worse and worse because of the newly created lack of good foreign manpower and people would blame foreign workers for that, feeding this outstanding vicious circle we created.
The advertisement you saw is just a start. We have now a psychological team working on building a negative sticky profile of the strangers. We were thinking about a big nose and black watery eyes...
The operation we conceived has two faces though, advertisement is just one of them.
The second aspect involves active persecution of the strangers, intimidation, controlled violence and eventually exile.
We've created a new Police and governmental unit. The Police unit we called StandStillMedinaPo, SSMP.

Reporter - What do they do?

Police Chief - We chose the most violent, mercyless police officers and teamed them up into SSMP, our new cleaning task force.
Their duty is to locate, violate and ultimately arrest strangers living illegaly in the country.
Their primary target are families, possibly with children. Their orders are -and I must say I am proud of of their zeal in implementing them- to separate and tear them apart, arresting one or both the parents and leaving the children in the streets.
Brute force is of course allowed and even encouraged to estirpate the problem from its very roots.
Their secondary traget are foreign workers that have been wounded in bombings. They come to our hospitals and register, this allows us to locate them most easily.
Then come the rest. We manage to brake down and assault restaurants and arrest strangers publicly in order to generate fear, shock and ultimately hatred against these intruders.
We knock at their doors disguised as friends, health care providers, workers seekers and penetrate into their shelters beating them as much as we can.
Then we arrest them, lock them into prison and wait for their extradition. Of course we manage to keep their money and earnings here as a compensation for having exploited our resources.
Don't get me wrong, I don't hate them, I even have some foreigners friends...but we must save our society from this deadly threat they pose.

We've asked some other ministers from different parties what did they think about the whole idea

Reporter - Is it ethical, is it democratic?

No 2 Opposition Party - Look at what happened in France. Why do you think Le Pennoff is so strong there? It's because of them, because of these awful foreigners stealing work and resources from the French people.
We won't let this happen in here!

Reporter - But look, these workers, they're human being. They are victimes, exploited by criminal employers..

No 1 Extreme Left ProPeace and Human (Palestinian expecially) Rights - We have to think about the Palestinian people. These foreigners are exploiting the opportunity that the Intifada has created. We don't let Palestinians in because they bring bombs and perform terroristic actions in our country and these strangers have exploited immediately the opportunity stealing from the poor Palestinians their work.
We won't let this happen. Palestinians too are human. These foreigners must be estirpated!

No 1 Biggest Religious Party - We have to preserve our purity. They are among us, they corrupt us. They must be extirpated!

Amnesty International Reps - We are too busy with poor Palestinian victims. These foreigners are causing them even more damage. So what if they have children? we have to get rid of them, for the poor Palestinian's sake

Red Cross reps - Are you kidding? How dare these foreigners steal from poor Palestinians' their work in israel!

...

Sea

2003-06-24T00:35:00.000+03:00

I've been thinking about enriching these pages with some pictures.
This is a trial to see whether it works.

Sheraton Nights

2003-06-22T22:19:00.000+03:00

Budget Committee Meets to Discuss Israel's 2003 Budget

I was walking around inside Tel Aviv's first class hotel, Sheraton City Tower.
Just for the funny feeling.
All Tel Aviv's jet set uses to hang in there. It is indeed a nice hotel and it's reputation attracts new and old money Tel Avivers to show off their status.
Truth is, while standing in the hotel's big hall, I couldn't help thinking about the black and white oceanic gaps that tear apart Israel's 2003 society.
Few kilometers far from this nice hotel, many families were actually starving, hungry, with no hope for their children's future.
Thinking about hunger, future and lack of hope while standing inside the shining hall of the hotel caused these very concepts to sound somehow poetic and far in my mind.
I suddenly felt a urgent need to puke, my own thoughts became unbearable.
I couldn't stand my phylosophical mumbling over a pure socialistic vision of a fair society standing at the same time with my stomach fairly full, in the Sheraton shining hall, enjoyning the sparkling hotel's atmosphere.
It was at this point that, heading to the conference rooms' floor bathroom, I met them.
Our honest, dedicated, decent, senators.
The whole choir was there: Government Committee for Budgeting, version 2003 Build 650.
A lot of long beards, a lot of full bellys, a lot of satisfied watery looks.
They were working hardly, busy public workers, to help us.
They were trying to find out the best solution for the state's forthcoming budget, figuring out where to cut most -given the hardest constraints the deep recession imposed- whether hitting public health or children's aids.
I could almost see smoke -a probable result of their minds' overwork- getting out from the gothic room they were sitting in.
I kept on staring, amazed by the paradox.
These people were about to decide critical cutbacks out of the country's budget that were to strongly affect the already weak layers of our society.
And they were doing that sitting in the most expensive deluxe hotel of Tel Aviv while undercarriages of the tastiest, most rare foods kept on flowing in and out.
I eventually couldn't help asking one of them if he didn't feel awckward about the situation.
Not at all. On the contrary. He said burping with satisfaction.
In order to cut the budget we have to remind ourselves that these cutbacks won't influence us or our families.
This is why we sit here at the Sheraton's. We feel much more sure and confident.
Plus, think about it, our very job is to cut the budget and tell the public we are doing it because we are in trouble and this is the only solution. Holding our meetings here contributes enormously to worsen the situation so our cutback become even more vital.
Otherwise we might find ourselves in a situation -god forbid- where no cutback is needed and consequently we'd become useless.
Now you don't want that to happen right...

2003-06-21T14:45:00.000+03:00

Breathe Kids Breathe!

Old/New Pollution Production Capacity in Tel Aviv

The new "Cleaner Environment" expo has opened its doors in Tel Aviv.
Location: the most polluting power plant all over the world, downtown Tel Aviv.
The decision to open the power plant was taken by the government many years ago.
The idea to host the expo in the power plant was promoted by the government as well.
We decided to open this super polluting coal powered electricity plant in the most populated area in the country.
Tells us the Government Spokesman Ret. Col. Amos Commandovitch.
We had two main problems to solve: overpopulation and budget excess. It seemed to us that poisoning the air Tel Aviv citizens are breathing might be the best long term soution.
This led us to the outstanding solution of the power plant.
We wanted it as polluting as possible. More, the poisoning impact was to be the highest in terms of range of action.
Our engineers suggested a coal power plant situated in downtown Tel Aviv, by the sea, where the winds would help spread the poisenous gas in the widest possible range.
We called it Reading Power Plant.
We asked Ret. Col. Commandovitch how did they manage the tremendous impact on the environment.
Truth is, when I think about how successful we were, I am proud of the Israeli pioneering spirit.
Death rate due to lung cancer climbed up from a small percentage to over 50% in the Tel Aviv area.
Astma and allergic reactions contributed to lower life expectancy and quality dramatically. The proportion rate of these phaenomena between the population covered by the plant's emissions and the rest of the area's population is 100:1.
Clearly we managed to drastically reduce life expectancy, plus we also succeede in raising hospitalization expenditures.
A great success.
We asked Rambovitch (N.D.R. Ret. Col. Rambovitch as the military censor forced us to mention) why did they decide to host the environment expo in the Power Plant itself.
We did it for merely educational and promotional reasons. He explained us.
Our worst enemies, traitors of their own country, the Nature Preservation Acativists started obtaining good results brainwashing Israeli good citizens into being more aware of pollution and environment issues.
They succeded in convincing people to take action against some governmental -national security related as all of our decisions- provisions, turning them into potential troublemakers.
We decided to plan on a long term horizon. This is why we started targeting young children.
The Expo here is aimed for children in the 6 year old 16 year old ages range.
We wanted to educate children from the very beginning into our own vision and mission.
Here is why we thought the best place to host the Expo was the plant.
This way, if they make it into adulthood before -hopefully- lung cancer kills them, they'll share our vision without even thinking about questioning it!

2003-06-18T12:41:00.000+03:00

New Democratic Form in Israel

The Prime Cinister: We are implementing a new form of democracy in Israel. It's a great success!

We have interviewed the Prime Cinister, Ret. Chief of Staff A. Sharambov.

Reporter - Don Sharon, what are these rumours about a new -Made in Israel- form of democracy?

Sharambov - Look, it's all true. I promoted this new implementation of democracy in our country.
It is wonderful

Reporter - What is the difference between other previous form of democracy and this one?

Sharambov - You see, one of the most important rights that define the very essence of democracy versus totalitarianism is the right to think and express yourself. In doing this everyone is able to influence the whole civil society's life and of course ploitics. Think about freedom of the press and so on
Well, this very right has become a terrible obstacle to serenity and harmony since I was elected.
This is why I came out with this new -Made in Israel- solution.
Understand, I did not abolish this powerful right (even though I sure wanted to) but I just shifted it forward in time

Reporter - What do you mean?

Sharambov - Freedom of the press, of speech and debate continues to exist in Israel. Only, they are allowed exclusively after decisions have been implemented and de facto no change is possible any more.
The idea is: speak whatever you want and how much you want, after things have been already decided and established.
Have your nice TV debates, write your hot columns, do whatever you want. Only do that when it's too late to influence or -god forbid- change a decision I or my government have made

Reporter - But this is useless

Sharambov - Exactly, I see you're getting it.
This is the my big brain in its best performance. I've destroied the very essence of this obnoxious freedom without abolishing it

Reporter - How do you implement this?

Sharambov - Nice and easy.
I must admit the ground here is pretty favorable for my reform. Journalism and journalists are so well accustomed to bark and bark and bark without really getting to the central issues.
Plus as you know in our little country the public's right to know comes always long after national security and we have a lot of national security issues here. Take my bank accounts for example and my campaign's financing and my latest relations with organized crime and my pressure over critical economic decision I am directely affected by...
You see, I have my means. Using the secret service to taperecord journalists phone calls is one of the less invasive I used...

Reporter - But this is outrageous, it's unacceptable, it's a crime

Sharambov (laughing hehehe) - My dear don't worry. Here, you're writing about it. Only you'll have to wait the public is completely addicted to my new kind of fake freedom to publish this interview. After that you'll ve free to scream whatever you feel like

2003-06-15T11:46:00.000+03:00

Israel 2003, No More Suicides

Government found a revolutionary solution for raising suicide rate

Suicide rate has been climbing up fastly in the last years due to economic recession.
Thousands of families find themselves out in the streets with no income and no food for their children when banks throw them out of their homes because they fail to pay their montly mortgage loan fees.
An increasing number of fathers and mothers just kill themselves as their economic situation leaves them no chance.
Yesterday some hope in this darkness was generated by a new experimental solution for suicides adopted by the Tel Aviv municipality under the supervision of the Israeli government.
The first experiment with this new revolutionary - Made in Israel- solution for poverty driven suicides was implemented in the Tel Aviv municipality building.
An unemployed single parent mother was threatening suicide over the roof of the municipality after she was refused economic aid for her badly needed dental therapy.
She was strongly determined to jump from the roof, when a swap team waiting in place especially for this kind of emergencies grabbed her and threw her back inside.
The new revolutionary idea is to have special anti-suicide swap teams in all municipality buildings and in each and every rich burgeoise neighbourhood Tells us the city Major's Assistant, Ret. Col. Rambovich.
The suicidal mother was then handcuffed and removed from the building.
The swap team escorted her to the roof of one of her neighbourhood's highest buildings and threw her down from there.
This way we manage to solve everybody's problems. On the one hand we avoid bad publicity, unpleasant feelings on behalf of rich respectable citizens and dirt on the richest neighborhoods' streets.
On the other hand we help suicidals succeed in their act, while giving our contribution to the solution of the overpopulation problem.
I love to say it, this is a perfect "blu and white" solution. Everybody is happy!. Comments the city's Major.

2003-06-12T01:49:00.000+03:00

No more cars in Tel Aviv

An interview with Tel Aviv Major, Ret. Col. Ratti

- Reporter Major, we've heard you finally found a solution for traffic jams and air pollution in Tel Aviv?

- Major Ratti Yes, indeed.
We'll dig all over the city untill no street is more viable.
We'll make it look like we're repairing the infrastructures.
What we will be doing indeed, is solving -once and for all- traffic problems in the city.
Like I said in the past, if there are no parking lots for all the cars downtown people simply must not go to work by car!

- Reporter But Major, public transportation in the area is deficient. If people can't go by bus, nor by car, how will they be able to get to work?

- Major Ratti Look, that's their problem. Why should I care?
See, to me, what really matters is that much less cars travel through the city.
In order to obtain this, I personally started the huge operation I was telling you about.
Think, only 6 Billion Nis were budgeted by our finance dept. for the whole project. Peanuts!
My brilliant idea is to start digging all over the city's streets as if we were repairing the sewers.
This way, people will be so glad, they won't even complain.
Don't forget the sewers exploded three times during the last two years, polluting the whole city coast.
In fact though, the digging will only be as if. No real work will be done!.
The result: for ages the whole city will remain paralized.
Immagine, no more cars, no more pollution.
No more headache for me.
Am I a genius or not? You have to admit that former pilots like me do have outstanding intellectual capabilities.
In the end we are the elite in the army, aren't we?

2003-06-10T11:01:00.000+03:00

Anti Pollution Solution

Israel's Ministry for Ecology: We finally found a revolutionary -Made in Israel- solution for pollution problems!

Latest pollution reports in the Tel Aviv area made it crystal clear: the air is no more suitable for breathing.
Some years ago, the deep throats inside the Ministry for Ecology warned the Prime Minister. if we keep on allowing smoking in public areas, the situation will degenerate. They must be stopped!
In order to make it impossible for people to smoke at all, the Israeli government started an unprecedented operation.
All super-polluting fabs were moved close to -or inside- populated urban areas, all clean rivers, from the upper north of the country to the lower south were contaminated with the worst and most dangerous substances.
No cathalytic cars were allowed into the country. Each year cars were tested to make sure their pollution expulsion rate was above the established minimum treshold.
The most brilliant step though was mooving to diesel operated public transportation, especially in-town busses.
These strong measure made it impossible for most people to even breathe, not to mension smoking. People were just unable to even think about it.
We were sure that this outstanding -Made in Israel- solution for cigarettes' smoke based pollution would spread all over the world. We actually formed a new army unit to send out in all countries that would need our urgent help in this matter tells us the Ecology Ministry Head of Operations.
After the first 100000 sudden lungs cancer deaths all in the Tel Aviv area population though, the administration started to think that some countermeasures should be taken. Their astounding solution was not as flawless as they used to think.
The Prime Minister itself (Ret. Army's Chief of Sraff) together with his strategic assistant- the Army's former Chief of Staff- and the Army's present Chief of Staff started an emergency meeting to find out a solution for the problem.
After 24 hours, 1000 cigarettes, 4 Sabras, 50 pitot with falafel they eventually came out with an even more brilliant solution.
We'll paint all the busses in dark forrest green.
This way people will feel better picturing themselves in the middle of the woods. The pollution perception will fall below critical level and we'll make it out of it.
And think, deaths will keep on raising, solving our overpopulation problem!
It's a win win situation! Told us the Assistant to Chief of Staff's assistant.
The only problem: because of the thick black polluted oxigen free air, you can hardly see the new deep-forrest green coloured busses.

2003-06-09T10:36:00.000+03:00

The Elevator's Dilemma

Cosmic particles' distribution anomalies found in Israel.

Each and every morning -waiting for the elevator- I think back about the nice experiment we used to do in fifth grade.
You know, when you make a tiny hole in a plastic bottle of water tightly closed.
Remember what happens? While the bottle stays closed, the water does not spill out from the hole. The moment you open it, the water starts to spill out.
The reason: atmosferic pressure compresses the air over the hole keeping the water from getting out. No air gets inside the bottle, no water gets out.
Now, you may be asking what is the connection between this and waiting for the elevator in Israel.
The fact is that in Israel, people act as if this law of physics did not exist.
I'll make myself clear.
Immagine, the elevator's doors open.
Plenty of people inside try to get out.
The people waiting to get in step aside thus letting the people in get out.
Then they are able to get in.
Remember, as in the case of our bottle, the water gets out, the air gets in.
This is not the case in Israel.
No, to Israelis, the law of physics do not apply.
They will just stand still, in front of the elevator, trapping the people inside, trying histerically to get in.
They won't let them out first for any reason in the world.
And they push and push and push.
Maybe they'll make it through the subatomic empty spaces between nucleus and electrons.
"Why in the hell", each and everyone of them asks himself, "these stupid stubborn people inside the elevator do not let me in!"
"Don't they see I am trying to get in?"
They think almost loudly.
And push and push and push.
But hear the very surprise.
In the end- somehow- the law of physics brake.
I always wonder how possible it is, but eventually -although after 15 hard minutes of fight- insiders manage to get out and outsiders succeed in getting in at the very same time.
It must be one of those cosmic anomalies.
Looks like most of them happen in Israel...

2003-06-07T19:53:00.000+03:00

Turtles Keep Right Please!

Israeli Drivers are all leftists!

We have beed asking around about the misterious origins of the Israeli habit to keep constantly their left while driving.
No matter how slow they drive, they won't keep their right.
Huge traffic jams -and a great deal of accidents as well- stem from this habit .
You can see them from far behind, old dirty Subarus that can hardly move and fast SUVs of the latest generations.
Tensed faces, left elbow -airborne- out of the window, they travel at an average speed of 40 Km/h and stay heavily stuck in the right lane.
You try to warn them and let them know you'd kindly like to surpass flashing your lights. No way, they won't move.
That's their territory, they've been pissing all over around it and you won't pass. It's a matter of honor and homeland.
This is where they are, this is what they stand for and nobody in the world will dare force them step aside!
We asked ourselves what would happen when they themselves got stuck behind somebody. How would they surpass?
The answer is quite simple and can be summed up in two sentences.
They start sounding their horns and flashing their lights.
Then they stick to the following car's back, trying to penetrate it while honking histerically.
Eventually they surpass from their right, being very careful not to check -god forbid- if someone else is there.
Once they are well positioned in the middle of the right lane they start indicating that they will be turning right (wich they just did). You know, just in case they almost killed someone so they can be able to blame him for not seeing their turning lights (ha ha).
But why, we kept on asking experts, Israeli do not keep their right while driving?
Among all the answers, two we found very interesting.
The first theory is by Prof. Freudstein.
He posits that the main motives/pulsations for Israelis are quite different than those that drive the rest of humans, I.E. the drive for life and the drive for death.
Israelis' main and unique drive instead is avoiding being cheated, polished or pinched. "Lo lazeth frayer" in Hebrew.
No matter what happens to them, this is their only way to preserve their self respect and self esteem.
Now you can see why letting anyone surpass them becomes a matter of life and death. It goes straight to their basic life instinct.
The second theory we found to be quite interesting was formulated by Israel's most famous antropologist, Dr. Kohlberger.
He states that Israeli drivers represent the next evolution stage of worldwide drivers.
As in almost any evolutionary development, the very posture of the evolving species changes.
In this case the new posture is characterized by the new "sapiens sapiens I know best" driver's left arm resting out of the car's left window.
This new posture is quite functional as the arm becomes a new signalling device, through which drivers communicate with other drivers.
Indeed Dr. Kohlberger is studying these days the new handsigns creole that has developed between Israeli drivers.
This explains -according to the famous Antropoligist- why Israelis always keep their left. It is due to a functional preservation instinct meant to keep their left arm -so vital for communicating with other drivers- safe.
Dr. Kohlberg insists in reminding us as well another theory of his about this phaenomenon.
He claims that Israeli drivers' attitudes derive mainly from an egocentric/antropocentric perception of themselves on the road.
In simpler words, they actually feel the world and all of its streets, roads and other drivers and men are actually orbiting all around them.
No need to move then, others will!

2003-06-06T19:24:00.000+03:00

"Made in Israel" Artificial Intelligence for Crossing Lights

New invention by TMT (The Minsitry of Transportation).

In order to reduce waiting time at crossing lights, the Israeli Ministry for Transportation started a joint venture R&D project with the Israeli most powerful military electronic intelligence unit which name we can't tell because of national security matters.
This collaboration gave birth to a wholly new concept for crossing lights.
We finally have a 100% genuine Made in Israel solution for traffic problems.
Forget public transportation, we are proud to announce the beginning of a wholly new era in crossing lights matters.
It is code named "Iron Wall" says Einstein Israeli, the head of the military unit that worked for the project.
Time after time we manage to prove that we don't have anything to learn from anybody. It is us that will teach the rest of the world he adds
Colonel Einstein is talking about a new form of artificial intelligence for crossing lights that enables them to feel the presence of great masses of steel on the asfalt nearby.
Once the presence of a car is felt, the crossing lights act accordingly and start an algoritmic sequence that allows the waiting cars to wait the minimum possible amount of time.
In simpler words, what Col. Einstein is trying to explain is that if no car is waiting from a certain direction the green light is delayed indefinetly untill a car arrives. (We enquired Col. Einstein to check whether some optimization mechanism was actually present in the chip regulating the lights, but he explained us that this was a top secret matter of supreme national security and that it was best for the civilian population not to know).
We asked Col. Einstein what would happen if a small vehicle -such as a motorcicle or a scooter- was alone waiting at the lights.
This thought actually occured to us some days before deploying the system nationwide. We tested the system with some different kinds of scooters and they were not detected.
We didn't think that it would be safe for the civilian public's sake to publish this kind of sensitive information.
We decided to share it though with the Ministry of Transportation after we received the last payment for the project, I.E. a week after deployment.
At this point we were quite sure an incredible last minute solution was found. We asked about this matter the Chief of Municipal Operations for the Ministry of Transportations, Retired Colonel Joshua Fermat.
I must say that this was a great occasion to prove on the battlefield the pioneering spirit and the incredible capacity of problem solving under pressure we gained from the world strongest and smartest army.
I personally phoned the Police Chief of Staff, Buzaglo Buzagli the same night I got the message.
After some five hours of intense discussions, we agreed he would deploy permanently 30% of its operational workforce hiding behind all AI powered crossing lights.
They would wait for bikers to violate the law and catch them immediately.
We set a new astronomic amount for these kind of reports.
We already earned hundreds of thousands of Sheqels through this operation.
It was a 100% Made in Israel success.
We asked Col. Fermat what were the bikers supposed to do in order not to infringe the law.
That's the beauty of it. They have no chance of not breaking it!.
Their only possibility is for a car to get there and stand behind them

2003-06-05T19:54:00.000+03:00

Iceskating In Tel Aviv

New "Made in Israel" invention: this is a start up, we'll be selling it to The People's Republic of China

The Israeli government in collaboration with MAAZ, the Israeli statal road builder, developed a new device.
Iceskating in Tel Aviv is a dream that came true, thanks to the israeli pioneering spirit of innovation
The Chief Scientist of Israel in a sudden press conference announced it: Crossing lines all over Israel are made of a new revolutionary substance more slippery than cold ice.
The substance is so slippery that a walking man could hardly avoid falling down.
We were looking for a good solution for israeli bikers, finally we've got one!
Raising insurance rates didn't help, adding and developing public transportation seemed too costly, this led us to a revolutionary solution. The crossing lines.
We painted them with a new extra-slippery substance that would leave israeli bikers no chance.
This was the Transportation Ministry's spokesman reaction to the Chief Scientist press conference.
We checked, Israeli crossing lines are indeed as deadly as they were described.
This is our answer to the exaggerate number of bikers in Israel.
According to latest reports, we get between 2 and 5 of them almost killed every day. And the number is successfully raising tells us the spokesman.
We asked him why didn't they check other countries' knowhow.
First we have nothing to learn from anyone. Second, our substance is the best in the world! It is in the end proudly "Made in Israel"
See, we are the best. Think about it, not only we managed to raise sharply the death rate of bikers in our country, but also we are now enjoying of many positive side effect deaths caused by cars that cannot stop and slip over bystanders
Boy I must say I am proud of our guys up there in the government. They now what they're doing!